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oh this is awesome. this is so awesome i can't even believe it. i'm writing in my dairyland diary. oh. goodness.

i was just reading over my old (old old old) entries and they made me miss feeling. i miss feeling sure of who i am. and what i like. what i want. i've become confused over the years. more and more lost, so much so to the point that i shut down in a more damaging way than how i used to. maybe that's just apathy though, knowing that the world is fucked up and being more aware of what's really going on. karma being reaped by the mega ton down here. seeing how life can be lived simplified and healthy, yet holding on to so many patterns and sucky things just because it seems easier than changing. still hiding away from life when i get overwhelmed. but i'm older and i should be dealing with my life more aggressively. more independantly. more alively.

somehow my mind wanders back to years ago when i would skip class to sit in the library. or when i could just put on silly clothes and dance to stupid music in my bedroom. or hang out at friends houses and drink 2 drinks and get ridiculously silly and have so much fun and feel taken care of, a part of something, feel loved. lately it's just been a blur of lonliness. which i am not okay with. i used to love being alone. being alone was the best. because i wasn't lonely, but that was only because i was surrounded by people i loved and who loved me. so being alone meant i was mostly around people who i loved and then i could get away and be alone and figure stuff out. now though, i'm just alone and alone. and it's fucken lonely. this is when i start reaching for anything. anyone. this is how the spring depression starts. seeing that in my life i'm surrounded by people who either i'm too afraid to tell that i'm gay or people who know and are "okay" with it but would really rather prefer to ignore it which results in mean, ignorant, and arrogant comments being made toward me about my life and how i choose to live it. yes. choose.

and now for something confusing! i was on the bus coming home from school this afternoon, thinking about cp's voice coming through my headphones, imagining being with a womyn like her, when a boy got on the bus. septum pierced, 90's grey sweater, grey glove/mittens, winnipeg hat, holding a book. clear eyed. i want that but i don't. that isn't even a possible reaction.

i'm homesick for myself five years ago.

Posted at 8:07 p.m. [last / next]