2003-07-18

day of the dead
last night i realized my friends have stopped being my friends. the connection was always mostly superfiscal but it's not ok anymore. i'm not ok with that. i felt so out of place with everyone. i talked with ss the most (suprise suprise) but even that dwindled as the night went on and patella came to sit beside (and on) him. kd ignored pretty well as soon as we got there, even though i picked her up. we didn't talk. at all.

actually, no one really talked to me. i spent quite a bit of time sitting there with people all around me, all ignoring me. so i thought: about why i was there. about why no one was talking with me. about why i was still acting like these were my best best friends when they aren't. so i gave them until 10'30 to be different.

i lasted until 10'20. i said to jo "hey i'm gonna take off" she says "oh.ok.bye." then ss asked how i was getting home and i said "my car" and jo asked me if i bought one and i told her all about mom not being able to drive and blah blah blah and all of a sudden she was all sweet and nice, aciting like how a friend should act, but it was all too late. she was all concerned and i became the friend who everybody feels sorry for. the friend who's well being would be discussed once absent. so she gave me a hug and i turned to say goodbye to kd. who had moved to sit right across from me and STILL wasn't talking to me. so i said i was leaving and she says "oh.ok,see you." i wanted to punch her in her face. that's great dear. go smoke some more. i hope all the cool kids will like you more now and that you will fit into this 'new crazy punk scene with your new crazy punk boyfriend'.jerk.

so i left. i got into my car, swore loudly, and popped in reliable old dashboard and started for home.

until i passed the kids house. i wasn't sure who would be home but i decided to just stop by and see. cole was home.(yay) so he and i talked for awhile about my shitty night and then ryan and josh came home and hugged me and offered to go and rent some zombie movies to cheer me up.

so off they went and left cole and i to talk some more.i like this boy with his insight and humour. he made me feel better because he told me about how it is in his life and some things that he's gone through. and we feel the same about things.

it was refreshing to talk to someone who i have similiar thoughts with. because in all honesty, those kids i have been hanging out with (except ss and patella)are all idiots. and i'm tired off feeling like that girl in high school who clung to everyone. who tailed them everywhere they went. because i'm not that girl anymore. i never really was but i played the role. and now i'm going to stop.

Posted at 10:18 a.m. [last / next]